Leaving Port Columbus
As my plane lifted off the runway of Port Columbus International Airport (the "international" part being slightly suspect) and circled over the curlicued streets of suburban middle America, I realized that for the first time in five years or so, I was actually sad to leave. I've always missed my mom and sister, but it's been a long time since I've thought, "Gee, wouldn't it be great to spend another week in Ohio?" Either I'm getting sentimental in my old age, or my house is a lot happier place without my dad. I'd put my money on door number 2.
My melancholy was lifted, however, when I noticed a copy of the SkyMall catalog in my seatback pocket. If you haven't discovered the joy of SkyMall, you've been missing out. (I feel the same way about the Home Shopping Network, but that's a newer love.) SkyMall is 260 pages of hilarity in the form of earnest advertisements for things you absolutely do not need--everything from a firewood-carrying cart to shirts with collars through which the tie is woven "to show off your expensive ties."
Maybe it's the general boredom of air travel, but after a few minutes with SkyMall, I start rationalizing the utility of its offerings. The Martha Stewart in me, for instance, likes the idea of an appliance for every miniscule kitchen need--thus, the necessity of the "Pop-Up Hot Dog Cooker" (a sort of toaster for kosher wieners). The cat lover in me digs the Feline Drinking Fountain and the Roof Patio Pet Home. And who doesn't need an Upside-Down Tomato Garden, an Inflatable Whirlpool Spa, or Gravity-Defying Boots? Many of the items are purely decorative, but at least justifiable in this sense--the Night-Before-Christmas Talking House sculpture, for instance, or the Mahogany Remote Control Holder. There is an excellent selection of Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings merchandise, for those who feel that a replica of Lucius Malfoy's walking stick will lock in the title of "Least Likely to Get Laid...Ever."
My favorite items, however, are those that not even a geek could love. There are always a few that are jaw-droppingly heinous, and this issue's winner was the "Robotic Animatronic Chimpanzee." Next to a picture of the mock ape was this description:
"Amaze friends and guests with this lifesize and incredibly lifelike robotic animatronic chimpanzee! This fully animated and robotic chimpanzee just 'comes alive' with state-of-the-art Hollywood animatronics that emulate the sounds, movements, and behaviors of a live chimp. Guided by infrared vision and stereoscopic hearing, this lifesize, fully articulated chimpanzee bust follows motion and sound around a room with its head and eyes. He's painstakingly hand-crafted with realistic hair and skin and boasts a dynamic, interactive personality that can be startlingly expressive, displaying moods ranging from happy and curious to fearful or even angry--just like the real wild animal! Moves autonomously or by remote control. Chimp runs on 4 D batteries or an AC adapter; remote runs on one 9V battery (batteries and adapter not included)."
And the price? A cool $149.95, plus $16.50 shipping. I think I know what somebody's getting for Christmas; if you're lucky, it could be you.
My melancholy was lifted, however, when I noticed a copy of the SkyMall catalog in my seatback pocket. If you haven't discovered the joy of SkyMall, you've been missing out. (I feel the same way about the Home Shopping Network, but that's a newer love.) SkyMall is 260 pages of hilarity in the form of earnest advertisements for things you absolutely do not need--everything from a firewood-carrying cart to shirts with collars through which the tie is woven "to show off your expensive ties."
Maybe it's the general boredom of air travel, but after a few minutes with SkyMall, I start rationalizing the utility of its offerings. The Martha Stewart in me, for instance, likes the idea of an appliance for every miniscule kitchen need--thus, the necessity of the "Pop-Up Hot Dog Cooker" (a sort of toaster for kosher wieners). The cat lover in me digs the Feline Drinking Fountain and the Roof Patio Pet Home. And who doesn't need an Upside-Down Tomato Garden, an Inflatable Whirlpool Spa, or Gravity-Defying Boots? Many of the items are purely decorative, but at least justifiable in this sense--the Night-Before-Christmas Talking House sculpture, for instance, or the Mahogany Remote Control Holder. There is an excellent selection of Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings merchandise, for those who feel that a replica of Lucius Malfoy's walking stick will lock in the title of "Least Likely to Get Laid...Ever."
My favorite items, however, are those that not even a geek could love. There are always a few that are jaw-droppingly heinous, and this issue's winner was the "Robotic Animatronic Chimpanzee." Next to a picture of the mock ape was this description:
"Amaze friends and guests with this lifesize and incredibly lifelike robotic animatronic chimpanzee! This fully animated and robotic chimpanzee just 'comes alive' with state-of-the-art Hollywood animatronics that emulate the sounds, movements, and behaviors of a live chimp. Guided by infrared vision and stereoscopic hearing, this lifesize, fully articulated chimpanzee bust follows motion and sound around a room with its head and eyes. He's painstakingly hand-crafted with realistic hair and skin and boasts a dynamic, interactive personality that can be startlingly expressive, displaying moods ranging from happy and curious to fearful or even angry--just like the real wild animal! Moves autonomously or by remote control. Chimp runs on 4 D batteries or an AC adapter; remote runs on one 9V battery (batteries and adapter not included)."
And the price? A cool $149.95, plus $16.50 shipping. I think I know what somebody's getting for Christmas; if you're lucky, it could be you.
posted by A at 2:26 AM
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